i'm back from holiday! i enjoyed it but already i feel so trapped in this house. i laid in bed until the afternoon today because i felt like if i actually 'woke up', my once dreamy reality would become a solid ugly truth: i'm unemployed and unhappy living at home with my parents.. i didn't even last 2 hours after waking up without getting panicky and obsessively applying for jobs. it sucks to feel this constant anxiety but i guess it's a good motivator to not be a NEET... It's still raining. Why is it still raining? I did what I was supposed to... that's not fair. it's another reminder that your problems will still be there after you travel. and they'll come with you when you travel. of course, i'm grateful i was able to have that experience! but i think i'm also allowed to be sad that it ended. when i was a kid, i often cried when holidays ended because i found it difficult to cope with saying goodbye to a place and time where i was so happy. i still do

awhh i asked my bf about his long term goals for us and he wants to provide a nice house + the freedom for us to go on lots of holidays ^_^ also i bumped into an old friend/coworker at a cafe!! he's been working there as a barista for 10 months and seems to really enjoy what he does :D honestly i've always wanted to become a barista in a nice upscale cafe; it's not a longterm dream career (my dream career is no career and lots of money lol) but i've submitted my CV because 1. i know i'd enjoy working with him again!!! i get strong gemini placement vibes and as a gemini rising i can talk with those ppl for hours 2. i'd love to do a job in my 20s that doesn't suck the soul out of me (bc let's be real - even though office work is cushy, the lack of stimulation and interesting social interaction slowly kills my soul) i'm leaving to travel soon and i'm so excited :D 48 hours until i'm awayy from this place! that reminds me i need to plan my birthday trip to chamonix soon :p i pretend i don't know about astrology to my bf so he doesn't understand why i'm so insistent on being in chamonix of all places, but i really want to be there because it'll give me a SPOT ON solar return - venus in 5th house and sun in i think 7th house? this is why i don't tell my bf i'm actually super into astrology, bc i know it sounds insane that i 100% believe i need to travel to a specific country to bring good luck for the year o_O

me when time is passing and in 20 years i would give anything to be in this current moment but right now i would give anything to be swallowed by the earth ok unrelated im battling some dark emotions rn BUT im eating an aldi strawberry yoghurt granola bowl and it's so good... i love granola bowls so much lol I was so young when I behaved twenty five
yet now I find I've grown into a tall child

good morning :3 can't wait to finish working soon so i can rest & travel!! i'm gonna miss my bf though while i'm away ;-; speaking of him, he took me out for steak dinner yesterday - it was really nice! but i had a weird dream last night where he left me for another girl... i haven't noticed anything weird about his behaviour so hopefully it's just a bad dream :/

ughhh i woke up annoyed because my boyfriend asked if i was free today (bank holiday) but we're not even doing anything today???? like he hasn't asked me out or made plans so what's the point of asking and getting my hopes up if you're not going to do anything :// anyway i've started taking apple cider vinegar supplements and i hardly wake up bloated anymore! it feels so nice huhu
i couldn't really remember last night's dream, but according to my wakeup notes there was a scary squirrel that bit me so my bf beheaded it? also i wore a football shirt belonging to my brother and then got a football kicked at my throat and couldn't breathe so i got an emergency tracheostomy O_o

i think i'll use this page for dreams, thoughts, my entire stream of consciousness that i want to talk about but i don't want to annoy my friends/bf by rambling for hours lol i'm on episode 6 of Mask Girl!!! even though there's a lot of dark themes, it's super engaging and every episode has a cliffhanger o_o i love how they reveal the story behind each person, the tteokboki grandma being oh-nam ju's mother reveal was insane!! couldn't remember much of last night's dream, but one part that stood out near the end was photographing some rugby training taking place at the stadium my brothr used to train at? also peter capaldi (the actor) was the coach + a girl i knew from primary school. very weird combination o-o another thing i remember is being on a plane flying to seoul, and according to my phone notes the number 17? i guess seoul has been on my mind a lot since i'll be flying there next month!! i'm so excited, it'll be my first time visiting south korea :D i've got a whole itinerary planned so i can maximise fun while i'm there hehe, the only thing i'm worried about is luggage D: i'm not sure if i should spring the 62 pounds for checked luggage allowance, but also i think it's one of those things that could be better to have and not need, rather than need and not have... i can't trust that i'll only stick to buying things that fit in one carry on luggage lol i want a cute luggage so bad T_T but apparently that gets you targeted :((( there's a lot of women who say they get things stolen, especially intimate things (ew), when they use luggage with a feminine deign but the luggage doesn't even get opened if they use a navy/black bag. ugh men anyway i'm learning more and more about HTML/CSS which is fun!! can't wait to update other pages more :p